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Joke Festival

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#1
LMAO!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No Sir, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."


SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
Sometimes the fishing is so bad not even the liars catch anything!!!!
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BWG
#2
"I was in Shoprite buying a large bag of Epol for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Epol Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 kilograms before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Epol chunks and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned, and was that why I was in the hospital.
I said no... I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door."
Edit your signature here ... <a href="http://www.bassfishing.co.za/bassingnews/ucp.php?i=profile&mode=signature">Edit</a>
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#3
NEW WORDS FOR 2007

TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr@ps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING .
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY.
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not > Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.>

BRITNEY SPEARS.
Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britney's please"

GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

PEARLHARBOUR.
Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks

SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person

TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young
Regards Rob
Vice President SABAA Natal
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#4
A man wakes up one morning to see his wife standing by the bed wearing a skimpy negligee and holding a velvet rope in her hand. "Tie me up and you can do ANYTHING you like", she purrs. So he tied her up.........and went fishing!

Taken from FHM Nov edition.
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#5
A lizard is walking through the bush when he hears a baboon giggling insanely. He looks up into the tree and sees baboon parking off on a branch with a reefer in one hand and clutching a paper bag in the other hand.

"What are you doing baboon?"

"Hey, I stole this bag of Durban's finest from the campsite. It's a gas man, come join me!

So the two of them shares a joint. A little while later the lizard complains that his mouth is dry and he sets of in the direction of the river to have a drink. By now he is so goofed that he falls into the water and for the life of him can't remember how to swim.

Crocodile notices the poor lizard thrashing around and helps him back onto the bank. "What the hell is the matter with you? It's looks like you're bleeding through the eyes and you smell like shit!"

"Hey, far out man!" the lizard replies and proceeds to tell the crocodile about his smoking session with baboon.

Crocodile always wanted to try out this magic herb so with great difficulty he gets the lizard to explain the whereabouts of baboon to him.

So of he goes calling to baboon every few metres, "Baboon, Baboon where are you?"

By now baboon has finished most of the bag and thinks it is the lizard returning. Peering through the brances he finally magages to focus on the crocodile and say's "Bliksem broer!! How much water did you drink?"

My 2cents worth. Enjoy the weekends fishing everyone.
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#6
Dear Omo Mailbag,

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring S.O.B husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn?t come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of Liquid Omo with Bleach Alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well that the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go; I have to write a letter to the Jiffy bag people.

Regards,
A Relieved Menopausal Wife
Regards Rob
Vice President SABAA Natal
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BWG
#7
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked,"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different.
You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Regards Rob
Vice President SABAA Natal
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#8
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Merry Christmas
Regards Rob
Vice President SABAA Natal
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#9
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist
complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked
how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the
American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his
needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta
with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my
friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs...I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help
you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell
the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger
boat."

"And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second
one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of
trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then
negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your
own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico
City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct
your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting,"
answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big,
you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" said the Mexican.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the
coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a
siesta with your wife and spend your evenings doing what you like and
enjoying your friends."

And the moral is: Know where you're going in life... you may already
be there.
Regards Rob
Vice President SABAA Natal
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#10
WARNING

This new scam is being pulled mainly on men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this.

They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday!

Regards Rob
Regards Rob
Vice President SABAA Natal
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#11
A grasshopper hops into a bar and jumps up on a barstool.

The bartender looks at him and starts laughing and says "Hey! We got a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper gives the bartender a dirty look and says, "You got a drink named Steve?"
Regards Rob
Vice President SABAA Natal
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BWG
#12
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
Regards Rob
Vice President SABAA Natal
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#13
A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the same road.

As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies with "BITCH!"

They each continue on their way, as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
Regards Rob
Vice President SABAA Natal
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#14
It's a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge!" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this crap? I haven't made the porridge yet!"
Regards Rob
Vice President SABAA Natal
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#15
Don't stop now Robfisher, you're cooking!
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