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Friday Funnies

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#1
Seeing that its weekend tomorrow, Ill start off the friday funnies!

Both are sad, but true!

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BWG
#2
So moet n vrou kan lieg.

Sexy besigheidsvrou is vir ñ paar dae in die Sani Pas Hotel in die Drakensberge vir ñ belangrike besigheids transaksie.
Die eerste aand verlei sy die opposisie maatskappy se direkteur in sy hotelkamer.
Die volgende aand verlei. sy hul prokureur agter in sy M5 bo-op Sani Pas.
Die volgende middag beklink sy die transkasie en vier haar sukses in die hotelkroeg waar sy ñ jong Natalse boer met sulke wilde wit-blonde krulhare ontmoet. Hy stel homself voor as Kapok Brits.
Die volgende middag bel sy haar man. " Hoe gaan dit daar in die berge?"vra hy. "Ag goed, Liefie!" se sy, " Om jou eerlikwaar te se, hulle direkteur het my aanvanklik so bietjie geskroef, maar ons besit nou sy maatskappy.
Die eerste ding wat ek gedoen het was om hul prokureur in die pad te steek."
"Wonderlik!" antwoord hy, " Wanneer kom jy huistoe?"
"Eers more"
"Hoe so?"
"Tien duim kapok gehad gisteraand en vanoggend...


********************************************

The Old Pilot
You think you have lived to be 83 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all away!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans.... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Real men smoke Shimano's!
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#3
Wahahaaaaaa Mojo, tooooooo good! Now I know that I'm also not a pilot, thanks for clearing that up. :blue-lol: :blue-lol:
[Image: big_fish_eat_little_fish.jpg]
BIG FISH EAT LITTLE FISH....
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#4
Always said I'm a lesbian, but nobody believed me. :0 Good one Mojo!

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#5
U gotta be a Capetonian to understand this.....

1. The fruit seller walks up to the car and says:
"Peske, Peske. Lekke peskes. Net vyf rand virrie laanie."
The guy in the car says: "Is hulle soet?"
The fruit seller says: "Dja menee, kyk hoe stil sit hulle!!"

2. Three guys selling snoek on the corner shouts:
"Hiers djou snoek"
The guy in the car says:
"Wat vra julle vir daai snoek?"
One guy replies: "Ons vra hulle niks, wil djy hulle iets vra?"

3: Gatiep & Maraai steel 'n snoek, en sien toe 'n Polisie man
Gatiep se": Sit die snoek onder djou rok!
Maraai se " Dit gaan stink Gatiep!"
Gatiep se vir Maraai ," Drukkie snoek se nies toe!"

4: Gatiep en Maraai sit innie bus in Cape Town toe die lady op klim "with a face made up to kill" ekse: bloed roei lips, "seven layers of base" en silke "massive eyelashes" dat sy nie ees haar oe kan oep maakie.
Daars nie oep seats, so sy skeem sy hang maar aan die leather strap.
"Hei Gammat," se Gatiep, "kom offer djy nie die lady 'n seat?"
"Nei," skeem Gammat, "a painting moet mos hang."

5: Every morning when the English teacher came to the Afrikaans students to Give them an English lecture she greeted them as follows; "Good morning class!" and every time only one boy would get up out of the whole class to greet the teacher in return. This happened time and again until she decided to call him up to her desk and ask him loud enough for everyone to hear:
"Why is it that every time I greet the whole class, only you stand up to
greet me?"
He replied to the teacher in English : "It are 'cause I are the only person
here what's name are Klaas!"
[Image: big_fish_eat_little_fish.jpg]
BIG FISH EAT LITTLE FISH....
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#6
Mojo,here's one for you banana pilots:

The Fable of a Happy Pilot

Once upon a time, a pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me?"
The princess said, "No!"
And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew fighters all over the world
and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight
attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women
half his age and drank Wiehenstephaner German beer and Captain Morgan and
never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his
house and guns and ate cold leftovers, potato chips and beans and blew
enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his
friends and family thought he was friggin' cool.

And he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End
[Image: big_fish_eat_little_fish.jpg]
BIG FISH EAT LITTLE FISH....
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BWG
#7
I saw a bakkie with a bumper sticker saying:

"I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal."
Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.
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#8
Eish! Riprap, pitty mine said yes. Just think of all the fun I could have had. :blue-sad:

********************************************

Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Astra van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!"

Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: “Did you get these marks having sex?"

Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did."

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
Real men smoke Shimano's!
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#9
@ MoJo

HAHAHAHAHA - Flippin funny dude... :blue-lol:
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before and heard it was quite good.
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#10
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#11
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his willy hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
''I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.' :blue-lol:
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BWG
#12
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#13
Here'sone for JM and Matty...

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#14
Brakpan pick up line (Not for the faint hearted):

Jys soos 'n skaapribbetjie... Die lekker vleis sit tussen jou bene....
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#15
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