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Another Friday Funny

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#46
riprap Wrote:[ATTACHMENT NOT FOUND]


That's the problem with Zim bank notes
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BWG
#47
Definition of a Dad:
It is a person who has photos in his wallet where he used to have money

Definition of a Parent:
It is person who know how it feels when a part(s) of his or her heart is walking around outside the parent's body.
[Image: 20160425%20All%20Sponsors%20Footer.png]
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#48
SO WRONG! lol

[Image: 1511672_10153865646380515_1677480930_n_zps7380261b.jpg]
[Image: SignatureSmallBFSA_zps89bcf1e2.png]
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#49
And now a few gems from Air Traffic Control =========================

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles .."
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

=========================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet . How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

=========================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

=========================

A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

=========================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

=========================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.
Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

==========================

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"


Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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#50
FOOD FOR THOUGHT!!!

LET ME SEE IF I UNDERSTAND ALL THIS...
If you cross the North Korean Border illegally you get 12 years hard labor.
If you cross the Iranian Border illegally you are detained indefinitely.
If you cross the Afghan Border illegally, you get shot.
If you cross the Saudi Arabian Border illegally you will be jailed.
If you cross the Chinese Border illegally you may never be heard from again.
If you cross the Venezuelan Border illegally you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed.
If you cross the Cuban Border illegally you will be thrown into political prison to rot.

HOWEVER
If you cross the South African Border illegally you get
► a job,
► a drivers license
► a pension card
► welfare
► credit cards
► a free education
► free health care.
Perks include
 weapons of your choice.
And in South Africa you can
 murder
 use drugs
 drink and drive
 steal
 rape
BUT PLEASE South Africans

DON’T SMOKE - in public it is illegal
"I don't exagerate...I think big!"
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#51
Who is Fanny Chmelar?

<!-- m --><a class="postlink" href="https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=763859593642035" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=763859593642035</a><!-- m -->
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BWG
#52
We got style we got class

[Image: Tina-Joumase-Petterson.jpg]
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#53
I'm sorry, but I have to re-post this. Its too funny not to only watch once.


[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfRwUKjJMxE[/youtube]
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#54
[ATTACHMENT NOT FOUND]
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#55
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just, just .. .. . Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .... That ....I'm picturing you pulling on its .. .. . Its. . Teeny little . . "

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50..

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!
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#56
Good Laugh - I once thought my budgie was scratching lice or something, against a stone in his cage - and then it dawned on me what he was doing.
His cage got moved out of the bedroom very quickly.
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BWG
#57
[ATTACHMENT NOT FOUND]
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#58
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2b04ih2C1-8[/youtube]


One method to earn yourself an ambulance ride to casualty
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#59
Irish Mirror

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old
Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. Not ever
having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.
'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder .'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way
home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the
shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and
look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day
after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's
running around with.'

You have to love the Irish
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#60
A blonde & her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs..

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
what have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard ....
let's see how THEY like it!


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things
cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied......
'Two popsicles & some coffee.'
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